Imogen Heap - Just For Now (live at Studio 11 103.1FM)

The Art of Travel

"Journeys are the midwives of thought. Few places are more conducive to internal conversations than moving planes, ships or trains. There is an almost quaint correlation between what is before our eyes and the thoughts we are able to have in our heads: large thoughts at times requiring large views, and new thoughts, new places. Introspective reflections that might otherwise be liable to stall are helped along by the flow of the landscape...Thinking improves when parts of the mind are given other tasks--charged with listening to music, for example, or following a line of trees. The music or the view distracts for a time that nervous, censorious, practical part of the mind which is inclined to shut down when it notices something difficult emerging in consciousness, and which runs scared of memories, longings and introspective or original ideas, preferring instead the administrative and the impersonal."

~Alain de Botton, The Art of Travel, p. 54

"ride on the heights of the land"

Well, I'm back from Nepal and still processing through what I saw and touched over there. I'll try to write a bit more about my experience when I find the right words...

For now, this passage from Isaiah 58:6-14 speaks for me.

'"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter--when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

then you will find your joy in the Lord and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."

The mouth of the Lord has spoken."

Here begins my mostly right-brained journaling

enough with words...

Cirque Du Soleil(Alegria) - Hula Hoops

Search for Purple Marshes

Madeleine L'engle, Walking on Water, pg 24

When the artist is truly the servant of the work, the work is better than the artist; Shakespeare knew how to listen to his work, and so he often wrote better than he could write; Bach composed more deeply, more truly than he knew; Rembrandt's brush put more of the human spirit on canvas than Rembrandt could comprehend.

When the work takes over, then the artist is enabled to get out of the way, not to interfere. When the work takes over, then the artist listens.

But before he can listen, paradoxically, he must work. Getting out of the way and listening is not something that comes easily, either in art or in prayer.

Before I can listen to God in prayer, I must fumble through the prayers of words, of willful demands, the prayers of childish "Gimmes", of "Help mes," of "I want...." Until I tell God what I want, I have no way of knowing whether or not I truly want it. Unless I ask God for something, I do not know whether or not it is something for which I ought to ask, and I cannot add, "But if this is not your will for me, then your will is what I want, not mine." The prayers of words cannot be eliminated. And I must pray them daily, whether I feel like praying or not. Otherwise, when God has something to say to me, I will not know how to listen. Until I have worked through self, I will not be enabled to get out of the way.

Someone wrote, "The prinicipal part of faith is patience," and this applies, too, to art of all disciplines. We must work every day, whether we feel like it or not, otherwise when it comes time to get out of the way and listen to the work, we will not be able to heed it.

Mrs. Gleason, I Love Technology, too!

As Katie said today, "I love technology..." As much as I hate how numb-headed it can make me sometimes, where I then resolve to myspace/facebook/cyworld fasting because I find myself plastered to the screen, browsing through pictures and comments and junk for hours on end, I still love that technology allows me to talk on SKYPE.COM to my friends who are far far away, as I did today with Katie, and as I did on Sunday with Ruth. I love run-on sentences, too.

Maybe one day we will all live in this one village where our kids will be running around eating each others' cookies and painting each others' faces. Maybe. Man, that would be marvelous. Gabe, Nicole's baby, would marry one of my daughters and make beautiful bronzed babies. And we mommas/grannies would be fit and trim because we'd go for runs and marathons together. We'd make a large home for children who needed a safe place to paint, sing, write, and be loved on, and we'd do this together. There would be none of this gnawing missing feeling...we'd be building our lives together as we had once tried to seal with a seemingly stabilizing pact.

Well, life happens as it happens. And here we are, some still single, some still in school, some newlywed, some sick, some well, some thriving, separating, thinking, child-rearing, etc etc. All the people that I wish were near me today seem to be scattered all over everywhere, living lives that we all have to live and commit to for now. And I'd say it's a dung-like, shitty place to be sometimes, but I know that for now, it's also the kind of lives we must live and be faithful to. I do believe, as I know my favorite people believe, that one day these dreams of community can and will be ones we'll dream of while still awake, but for now, this'll do. And technology is our toy to play with, together.

But I gotta lay off on the numbing hours in front of this iBook (aka, laptop), for I have some projects to get to...

Starting from September, I will be working part-time in order to have extra time and energy to work on some projects that have been flipping around in my head and heart for quite a while now. I have no idea how long it'll take to complete, nor can I confidently say that it will ever really be completed, but I know I've made the right decision for myself to begin transferring these pieces of me into art forms. There are voices still giving me doubts about whether it is the wisest decision for me to do this now, but I have to listen to what my heart is saying because I've been shutting it up for a long time and I feel like I'm not living the truth. So here begin my adventures and I know this can't be done on my own.

So I pray and I pray. God, will you help me tell your truth. Of who you are, through what you've done in me, what you've done in those closest to me, what you've done in all parts of the world, all that you do now, and every single promise you will keep. Let me tell your story through the story you've given to me. Bare. As is.

Marry Teacher

I have a class of third graders who sometimes call me "Gyul-hohn Teacher" which is Korean for "Marriage Teacher." They normally call me Mary Teacher, my English name, but they like to think they're brilliant by reminding me not to become an old maid.

One of these third grade students, Sarah, had a dream about me and she told it to the class today. It was filled with details and colors, I loved it. I'll try to recite it as close to how she told it...

During class one day I told all the kids that I was feeling really sick and had to go home. So I asked if Sarah would take me home. At my apartment, I put on a white wedding dress and veil and handed her an invitation that said, "Mary will marry, will you come to my wedding?" Then I kept making comments about how beautiful I looked.

So we got into a car that was decorated with balloons and drove to the wedding hall where the groom was waiting. He was chanting, "Mary, Mary, Mary...!!..." dressed in a red suit and yellow tie with "Mary Mary Mary Mary" written all over it in blue print. A co-teacher later figured out he might have been Ronald McDonald.

The person marrying us did the exchange of vows. He asked McDonald if he would take me as his wife and love me forever and Mac's response was, "I don't know." Then I was asked if I would take Mac and love him forever. I said, "um...maybe, maybe, maybe." Apparently, I always say that to my students, um maybe. I just kept saying how beautiful I was. Then I ran away, into the car, with Sarah. Mac ran after me, jumped on top of the car to make me laugh, landing on a balloon and popping it.

Then somehow we ended up back in the classroom but this time I was still in my wedding dress, veil, and holding a bouquet in front of me. I announced to the class, "Tomorrow, I'm getting married. Will you come?" And the kids all asked me if I would say yes to the question this time, and I just kept chanting, "Maybe, maybe, maybe." I then mentioned how beautiful I looked.

What a dream. I don't think I've ever really talked about my love life, sick days, or beauty with them before. Anyway, the entire class was laughing. Then I asked her if the man was handsome and she said he was cross-eyed and was wearing large-rimmed red glasses, under a mass of puffy hair. He also had a large hoop earring in one ear, and a small heart-shaped stud in the other. And he just kept chanting, "Mary, Mary, Mary," with this marching gesture with the arms.

Later, she told me that when she told her mom about the dream, her mom said that maybe I was going to get married this year. I asked Sarah how it made her feel when she found out I was going to get married in her dream. Children are so honest. She said it made her feel sad because it could mean that I wouldn't teach her anymore. How precious is that? But how real too...and I realized then that her dream was significant for me to hear as it reminds me that my singleness is precious. It's true, if I were getting married now, I may not be able to stay with them.

I'm like most single 24 year-olds, wishing for a soulmate, but I think for now, I'm okay with the maybe's. Sarah's dream was an insightful one, showing me that I have her and the other kiddies to love and enjoy for now. And maybe McDonald will show up sooner or later, but it's going to be okay without him right now. I do have a feeling he's out there somewhere, but maybe it's just not timing for me to meet him yet because I have a lot more to love in myself and to love in others. Plus, it may not be timing for him either, as he might have to tone down the colors a tad. Although, I must say, he sounded pretty hot to me.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm Beautiful Marry Teacher to my loves.

Life

To live a simple and deep life, that's my aspiration.

LISTEN, self.

I'm back to myself again. It's a fabulous place to be, freedom and fear somehow weaving. But I need prayer for less nights staring up at the ceiling, and prayer, instead, that I'd use all my senses to make out what's actually on that ceiling.

I cut down my full-time working hours to go after my dream...

"Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES.
Then listen close to me -
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be."

Shel Silverstein (1974)

The rains and balloons can kiss.

A good friend sent me this excerpt from Henry Nouwen's book Out of Solitude:

Jn 16:16 "In a short time you will no longer see me, and then a short time later you will see me again...You are sad now, but...your hearts will be full of joy, and that joy no one shall take from you."

"Our life is a short time in expectation, a time in which sadness and joy kiss each other at every moment. There is a quality of sadness that pervades all the moments of our life. It seems that there is no such thing as clear-cut pure joy, but that even in the most happy moments of our existence we sense a tinge of sadness. In every satisfaction there is an awareness of its limitations. In every success, there is the fear of jealousy. Behind every smile, there is a tear. In every embrace, there is loneliness. In every friendship, distance. And in all forms of light, there is the knowledge of surrounding darkness. Joy and sadness are as close to each other as the splendid colored leaves of a New England fall to the soberness of the barren trees. When you touch the hand of a returning friend, you already know that he will have to leave you again. When you are moved by the quiet vastness of a sun-covered ocean, you miss the friend who cannot see the same. Joy and sadness are born at the same time, both arising from such deep places in your heart that you can't find words to capture your complete emotions. But this intimate experience in which every bit of life is touched by a bit of death can point us beyond the limits of our existence. It can do so by making us look forward in expectation to the day when our hearts will be filled with perfect joy, a joy that no one shall take away from us." (51-53)

Brandi Carlile-The Story

like siran wrap

Imagine if I wrote like I had no skin, in other words, brutally honestly, wow, wouldn't this be a much more interesting blog?

Post Mail Friend

One of my 4th grade students, Carol, wrote this brilliant story about friendship and goodbyes. She made it up all on her own! I asked her if she got this idea from another book and she said no. Insightful kid! So I asked if I could share her story with some of my friends...
____________________________________________**

Keith (pronounced Kathe) is a student. She is very brave. And she has many friends. Her best friend is Jane. They always do something together.

(One day) on Sunday night, Jane called Keith, "Keith, I will go to Canada. Now, I'm so exciting!"
"That's great. What else? Nothing? Ok, bye."

That night, Keith couldn't sleep. 'Can I do well without Jane?'

Next day, in school, Jane wasn't there. A month had gone by, but Jane didn't come back. 'I thought Jane was going to Canada for a few weeks!'

The school ended. Keith ran home. The telephone rang. It was Jane. "I'm sorry, Keith. I have to live here forever."

Keith hung up the phone quietly. It was too terrible to Keith. 'What should I do?'

At night Keith only thought and thought and thought. 'All right, let's think.' A few minutes had gone by. 'Right! A vacation! I have vacation tomorrow! Today is Monday.'

But mother said, "You can't, Keith. We don't have money." Yes, that was a problem. Keith had to think more.

Now, she had an idea, a strange idea.

'Can I get into the post mail?'

Why not? Keith could do anything to meet Jane. She decided to do it one Tuesday. She told mother, "I will sleep in someone's house on Wednesday."

Now, it was Tuesday. Keith bought everything she needed. Keith knew that on Tuesday, Mom will send every post. She got inside and wrote, "Jane Sarah, Canada, Green Village 16-26."

Mom was thinking that Keith had gone to her friend's house. It was the perfect chance. Mom said, "Why is this post too heavy?" But because of the paper that said, "Important, easy to break," Mother didn't open it.

Finally the post arrived.

Jane opened it. She was excited but she didn't know why.

"Keith!" "Oh, Jane, I missed you." Jane hurried to take Keith to the room.

"Oh, Keith, how could you?"

"I just thought and thought," she smiled. "I just wanted to say goodbye and give you a present." The present was a beautiful necklace.

"Oh, it's pretty. And...bye, my friend, Keith. I'll send you back home."

Next day, she went home.

"I'm home, Mom!" "I know, I know, what did you do?" "Um...just...play," she smiled.

Weekend with Melissa

Dig

'"I always look at that well there in the plaza. And I think to myself that before, no one knew where there was water. Then Saint Savin decided to dig and found it. If he hadn't done that, this village would be down there by the river."

"But what does that have to do with love?" I asked.

"That well brought many people here, with their hopes and dreams and conflicts. Someone dared to look for water, water was found, and people gathered where it flowed. I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange."'

Excerpt from By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, by Paulo Coelho

School

Our academy moved across the street to a much larger space this past week. Now the rooms are more spacious and sound-proof so we hear less high-pitched chantings of our phonics learners. Right now, we only have an after-school program but things are slowly falling into place and in the next year or so, plans are to establish an independant school for Koreans who want private education in English without leaving the country. This way, families do not have to be separated. We just need grounded teachers to jump-start this dream. I love that I work for an unconventional boss and can be part of teaching and learning that doesn't have to follow all the rules.

There's an opening for a part-time art teaching position at a different international school about 40 minutes from home. If I get the position, I may be teaching art to middle school students. I'd love that but I don't plan to stretch myself too thin...maybe I can go in 2 mornings a week, and get a taste of what it's like to be an art teacher in a school setting.

I love teaching my first-graders story-telling through Cray-pas and water-color. But I'm itching to do more than that...

I never thought I'd be teaching art to children, helping to establish a school, living in Korea, as well as considering settling down here, and loving it, what in the world? As they say, life never happens the way you plan.

Reconnecting

Yong Jun came out for his second vacation leave and it's been a good time so far. Met up with Steve and Rendy last night and reminisced the good old days, been having some good relaxed family time, etc etc. Wish he could stay longer but he leaves tomorrow.


I can't believe that Melissa is flying in to Seoul in just one week. I'm so excited to catch up with her. She asked me what I was craving that she could bring from America. To be honest, I don't really know, except my friends over there. I wish she could fit them all in her suitcase. Actually, I don't miss anything about the US except for these people. Everything else, I have here. I'm quite comfortable life here now, getting around places is easy, nature is all around me even in the middle of the city, I have my own space I can create however I want, I have family, yummy healthy food, a great church, a stimulating job, new friends, etc etc.

Did I just jinx myself by saying all this? Seems to be the pattern as I've seen so far is that I can't ever get too comfortable in one place. Once I do, it's time to leave. Oh well, that's not happening yet so I might as well enjoy it now. I appreciate the adventure that it is to combine all parts of me, years before with what I am now, and what I can look forward to or brace myself for in the future.

Life is an adventure and although I don't have all the people I love near me at all times, it's comforting to know that they still stay a part of me no matter where we are placed in the world. And every once in a while, like with Melissa and Yong Jun, I can see them and enjoy moments with them. And, of course, with those of you I'll see later rather than sooner, there's always cyberspace that keeps us somewhat connected and growing together.

Pirates III

Johnny Depp and insanity: just fabulous. In another life, I'd have chosen a career in Hollywood. I'm in awe with all the artistic talent out there.

Rolling

"They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Is. 61.3

I roll under and over. The display is being rolled and on a day when it plants into shape, you and I will see splendor larger than oak. Until then, I choose this season. I will submit to grinding and wetting, it stings, until glory buds from sunshine that will dry what has been cried over, and dusts, fine and gold, will fly to become a "display of his splendor."

We will hope. We will believe. We roll with hope and belief, under and over.

April

I have a new favorite color: yellow green, especially on trees~ I saw them everywhere this weekend and will see it everyday this spring~ for the first time since tenth grade I am living inside four seasons and it couldn't be better timing to illustrate all that's been kneaded inside me~ life, for the past month and a half, has made enough sense for me to love yellow green~ behind or after the dripping sweat, falling beauty, and cold shivers, there always exists this mix of yellow and green which strokes in hope. So an update on life this April:

~Started dance classes (mainly jazz) with a friend from church, going every morning at a ridulously early hour, sore thighs but lovin it.

~Making new friends and ~already saying goodbye to some of those new friends, what else is new in my life, but still trying to soak up every part of it!

~Saw Yong Jun this weekend, he may end up in Iraq or Lebanon in the next few months.

~God is real to me again. I see yellow green because of him.

~Continuing my painting lessons with Grandma and becoming her friend.

~Running again.

~Getting more involved with church

~Still resting and waiting on direction on what to pursue...

~Missing many of you.

Yes, The Year of the Lord's Favor

Isaiah 61:1-4

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long
devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for
generations.

XX Trip to America XX

I decided to risk a rejection and apply for a visitor's visa to the US. It's worth it to me to try to see Katie get married in July. Cross my fingers, pray to God, I am hoping to be interviewed by someone who will see that I'm no fraud trying to squeeze my way into the pool of "illegal aliens."

So if all goes well, I will be involved with the wedding July 21st-28th, then after that, for about 3 weeks, I'm considering taking a roadtrip across the country starting in CA. I haven't made any decisions regarding my destination points or budget, but my two goals for the trip are to reconnect with old friends and make an art tour out of it. Some states I'm considering are...OR, WA, CA, CO, TX, IL, IN, FL, DC, and NY. So I'll be in touch with some of you to see if I can crash at your place;);)...I'd love to see you!!!

Lots of planning to do...if you're familiar with roadtrip planning, I'd gladly take some wisdom from you!

Chastisement

I'll call him Sam, a student of mine. Last night, while matching antonyms to words from a novel, Sam kept whining that he couldn't concentrate. Finally, I asked him what was on his mind. He was going to be chastised (one of the words we were learning) today in school by his teacher. Apparently, she had asked him a question and because he didn't hear her the first time he turned to his classmate sitting next to him and asked, "뭐래?" (What did she say?). Teacher thought he had failed to use the polite version of the question, and she told him that he would be punished today. The punishment would take form in one of two ways. He would either be asked to join 30 other delinquents in doing one thousand and six hundred squats (bending the knees down and up) or wearing a sunflower in his hair and SKIPPING in and out of all the classrooms. After my laughing fit, I told him that she was probably just threatening him so he would pay attention to her for the rest of the day. But like him, I'm not so sure...these Korean teachers carry bizarre philosophies and methods for classroom control. I'll just have to wait and see if Sam comes into the academy limping or with an orange face from a mixture of yellow sunflowers and red blushing.

sifting

She met him when cuticles didn't hurt anymore and
the world seemed to her a sifted white
of tasted forgiveness. She forgot meetings like these were alive.

And they connected, to her like the weight
of magnet she hardly recognized with her past. Her chest
beat faster than a heart.
A heart still layered, but her scales of tin dropping,
once twice. Until

he pressed her back with his hands of man, melted,
we became shame of falling hair of night. Repeated.
Then she saw her cries muted inside his neck,
you couldn't hear me, behind sweat
dropping on white, white losing color, as
he moved her like that. STOP.
And he left.

Two days, she talked to him with the voice that was
gathered for her by wood nail and blood,
and he told her he felt like shit and
she, inner thighs, calmed because she heard
an apology, not vague as men before
no, he was sorry, deeply grieved, and

I hurt, forgiving, for this time she knew how to
forgive, quickly. A goodbye I could cup and free.

~

The white is still sifted, and she knows
what is
pure,
cuticles, pulled and bleeding with flesh, cut today and washed for healing,
this time with her back,
standing and waving flags. This, she remembered childhood stories of gowns.

Blood wet then dried, peeled and clean. I will remember new.

I'm a driver again

I just got my Korean driver's license. Public transportation is a beautiful thing here but not so convenient at times.

Back to my crazy driving...

Koreans, keep your Korean names please.

We have a new group of kindergarteners that I don't have to teach, thank goodness. During their water break, I asked the name of one of the girls. RABBIT, she said. I almost burst out in laughter. But I just said "REALLY?" ... "REALLY?" ... "REALLY?" like four times.

Oh, another boy's name is SONIC.

Another of Katie's

For you

When it all began a while ago
I first noticed the way your hair fell beneath your shoulders
like a mane of white petals
We traveled places together, and shared water
until there was nothing but blood between us

I've loved you in a way that makes no sense
in a way of snow on tree limbs, falling leaves,
changing winds
Your voice will sing many songs left
to stitch the wounds only you know are there
in the world

By Kathryn Tschabold

Katie's words

A best friend of mine, Katie Tschabold, arranges her life and words in ways that pierce my tear sockets. I just spent a good two hours reading and crying over her new creation, "Leaving the Apiary." I'm posting a couple from the selection. I love this woman, I would not be living so fully without her friendship. I miss you, Katie!

A letter

I try to tell her
the space between you and I is tinier
than her fingernails, or the way she closes her eyes
when sun rises through the window on noon's elbows
Tinier, even, than the teeth she waits for,
patiently, night the same as day, another hour to sleep or
wake for food, my breast, amazement

Earthly things are soil and planting the
question of breakfast, long minutes waiting for coffee
my brewer old and sputtered like a drowning fish
And still I think the space between us is nothing

I've made thousands of cups without you
taken steps, closed my front door, waited for
change, a paycheck, clouds to rain
I've seen rainbows and a man's hunched shoulders, praying
women, none as honest as you were to me
when there was nothing between us
but a door

When you visit
flying over Montana, or Oregon,
alone, or with you own baby,
will you hair be longer than now or short and firm,
closer than your arms are to your sides,
or will they be open and will nothing be between us
the space tiny as it always was
like a child

By Kathryn Tschabold

Time to post some pictures...

at the pusan film festival


passing out christmas presents at the orphanage, Angel House


celebrating the end of winter intensive, some of my students:)

The Mr. Yummy

I meant to post some of these pictures a while back when we had our visit with Yong Jun. I miss him a lot!

I'll be quoting from Madeleine L'Engle a lot...

"Until I tell God what I want, I have no way of knowing whether or not I truly want it. Unless I ask God for something, I do not know whether or not it is something for which I ought to ask, and I cannot add, 'But if this is not your will for me, then your will is what I want, not mine.' The prayers of words cannot be eliminated. And I must pray them daily, whether I feel like praying or not. Otherwise, when God has something to say to me, I will not know how to listen. Until I have worked through self, I will not be enabled to get out of the way."

Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water, p. 24.

e. e. cummings...

i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday, this is the brith
day of life and love and wings; and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth
...
now the ears of my ears are awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened

Weird:

In Reading Class today, I explained the word WEIRD to my students. I told them it meant strange or 이상하다. And completely out of context from the word usage in our novel, a bright 2nd grade girl asked me, "Teacher, I know something that's weird." What's that? "Why Koreans have to learn English but Americans don't have to learn Korean." Yes, that is weird but do you know why it's like that? Another girl raised her hand, "Yes, I know, I know, it's because America's best and biggest country so we have to learn language." Well, that can be true in some ways but there are many many many countries that speak English, not just America. And I told them tidbits about colonization and their role in this world. After my short lecture on the importance of learning the language, I had the 2nd grader reiterate what I had said, "Yes, we are learning English because one day when we big and 어른이 될때 we can travel any country and speak English to them." Exactly! Very good, and you can then have the power to be anything you want to become, go anywhere you want to go, and make a difference. "Yes, Teacher, in 2050 Korea will be the best country in the world so we have to know English." Well, I don't know, that is possible but that may be up to each of you to change Korea and share what we have with other countries. Do you think you can you do that? "Yes, yes!"

Two days ago, in my Junior high class, as I was explaining the "No speaking in Korean Rule" one of my students, the one who wants to be an 'international lawyer and help poor people', said, "It's not fair, Teacher. Why do we have to learn English and Americans don't have to learn Korean?" I gave him a similar speech as I did today about this wierd language phenomena. I also empathized by telling him how much I hated learning Korean when I was little when all the other kids were out playing games. I explained that I wished I had learned more so that I can freely communicate with Koreans. If he only knew why and how language was an essential survival tool... He sort of nodded.

I've been thinking about this on and off throughout my time here. Studying is all that Korean kids seem to have time to do. No time for extra-curricular activities and simply enjoying life with friends and family. When they are free, they play computer games, it seems. After school, they attend academies that are subject-specific, most of them seem to go to two or three of them, leaving them pretty much no time to play. And it begins from grade school. Then after 16 plus years of schooling, they seem to have an incredibly difficult time finding a job in the densely populated nation. Something's a bit wrong with the system if you ask me. So many people believe that studying abroad is the key to a successful life so they send kids alone or maybe with a mother overseas, while the rest of the family remains in Korea to be the bread-winner, causing problems in the family system as well. Everyone seems to have a problem with the system here but I don't know how exactly they are attempting to bring about change. It makes me consider my responsibility.

Sometimes I wonder, will these kids grow up despising the English language that was shoved into them in place of times when they could run, jump, and frolick outside with their friends and family, and as a result, become repulsed by people who speak English as their first language and had the privilege of frolicking freely. Bad situation. I wouldn't be surprised if that really happened. If my childhood pleasures were stolen from me because I had to spend all of my time learning a language that was not taught in an inviting way, I would probably grow up with resentment toward that language and those directly affiliated with the language.

I obviously don't have the power to change all the institutions of Korea but I do believe in what my workplace does. I'm fortunate to have ended up teaching where I teach. My boss seems to understand what's really going on in Korea and her vision is beyond the money-making game of English academies in Korea. There is a long way to go before anyone can claim quality in the English education of this country, but I see some hope. English learning is a necessity as worlds are coming together more fluidly so there's got to be more that we can do to equip these kids...will share more later.

Different People

It's amazing how differently people can think. I met a person that was beyond any eccentricity and social handicap that I have ever directly come across. Well, maybe that's an inaccurate claim but it's close. Here's what happened.

Yesterday, I had a quick 30 minutes to grab dinner before going back to teaching, and I decided to join my parents who were eating with this older single missionary lady. I recognized her face, as I recognize so many faces from my childhood but could never identify with names or even events. Found out she was in England with us when we were living there 18 years ago. Apparently, she seemed to have thought that I was still 7 years old. I couldn't believe what I heard. I didn't know these kinds of people really existed.

Two minutes into the meal, she pointed out the big $10 ring I was wearing on my finger. At first, she simply said that it was a big bling bling, in Korean, of course. She made some comment about realizing how, after seeing my bling bling, there was a feeling of emptiness. First thought, this woman is weird. Second thought, here comes another conversation about my singleness. ugh. But I couldn't correlate the two. How can you assume that my wearing a fatty ring on my right middle finger gives any indication of me not being in a relationship? And singleness equals emptiness, I don't think so. Well, I was wrong about her reference.

Out of nowhere she begins PREACHING to me. THE NERVE. ~you must read the bible every day, if you break it down to reading 10 chapters per day you'll read the bible three times in one year, you need to do that okay? without having God's word in your heart, you'll keep reaching for bling blings to fulfill you and the english language that you use to earn this money is not the same language to speak to God with, you have to ask God to help you to speak in tongues, do you know what speaking in tongues is?~ I nod~ yes, wow, you even know what that is, so do you understand what i mean? ~I just smile politely and slightly nod to indicate that I heard her but I'm sure she's not convinced that I really heard her because she continues~ you must read the bible for about 40 min every day okay? ~ my temperature is rising now, I give her a bigger head BOW rather than a nod, to suggest that I've heard her and I'm done listening, then, rather abruptly, I ask where my dad went, he had just stepped out to get something from the office, I was just trying to change the converation, it didn't work for long~ you have to read the bible everyday or you're going nowhere~ now I'm mad and I don't smile or even acknowledge she's talking to me, I just go right ahead eating my food, reaching for it a bit more aggressively now, I look at my ring and the finger it's on and wish I could flick it at her, and you thought I was an angel, of course, this eggs her on even more, because I'm not getting it, and I'm not answering her directly, just nodding now and then~ that's what i hate the most, she says, when people just nod and don't say anything~ i just laugh a little, minimizing her comment to a joke, not taking her seriously, i know this probably ticks her more, but at this point, that's the intention.

Finally my dad returns and joins in on our conversation. Attempting to save me, and I appreciate what he says, he says that this weekend he learned something new about me as we were moving to my new place...and he explains this to the lady, I know he's trying to change the topic to a more civil and uplifting one rather than her inappropriate shaming. Well, it doesn't work, because she basically downplays what my dad says, by stating that what he said about me does nothing to measures my, uh, what's the word, "goodness", maybe? She mentions a girl who grew up beautifully and bought her parents a home. Clearly, inferring that I had to provide a home for my parents before they can be proud of me. I knew my parents wanted to shut her up the whole time too but obviously they couldn't, I couldn't, so I just got up and said I had to go back to work. I think she felt bad then and said she didn't realize I had to leave so soon. Inside, I just said, well, thank you for the pleasant sermon, I'm glad you had the opportunity to get to know me as a person and I'm glad that I can leave you now. But I just bowed and smiled and left. Man, I was so angry.

The most frustrating part of it all was that I was smiling for most of the time, even as I left, saying nothing. I kept thinking, if I could speak English to this lady, or if we were in a different culture, how would I respond to her? I'm pretty sure I would have had a voice to tell her my opinion. She was obviously quite opinionated in our short 20 minutes, so why couldn't I tell her off? The problem was that my parents were there, they represented SIM, she was much older than I, I'm not fluent enough in Korean to shut her up kindly, etc etc. So I just took it, and left. As I was walking out, I felt horrible because I didn't fight back, but later, I was actually pretty proud of myself for the way I handled it. I didn't yell at her and make a fool of myself or my family. I didn't just sit there completely pretentiously nodding and agreeing to everything she said as if I were a non-person. I clearly showed her in a silent "gracious" way that I was not appreciating her approach toward me, as if I were still a child and presuming I didn't have a growing personal relationship with God. I talked to my mom later that evening and she said that after I left, the lady had realized she came on too strong. She had asked my mom if I was upset enough to never want to see her again. And my mom replied, yes.

In this culture, with my sort of background and status, in front of an older lady firmly set in her ways of life, that was all I could do. But if you ask me, that's still a little warped. There's got to be a better way of handling situations like this. I'm learning.

A list RE: my life this February.

1. I think I'm reliving my childhood by reading these children's books; literature I never had the capacity to read when I was little. There's a reason why I'm teaching English through lit now, receiving what I missed out on years ago. I love it.

2. My new place is teeny but it's a cozy one. It's been no more than 3 nights, and I feel quite at home. I may have found the secret to feeling at home wherever I live.

3. I have a new TV. A new addiction. Uh-oh.

4. Discipline has been on my mind lately.

5. I was forgetting about men and testosterone until I saw Tom Cruise on TV yesterday. Sssszzzz.

6. I need to think up a sly comment to shut up people who ask me my age and relationship status. I'm halfway to thirty and thriving and SINGLE and there's nothing wrong with me. !!!. The candidness of Korean culture.

7. Thinking about whether or not to have that phone interview with George Fox University. I still may have a foot into clinical psychology. Problem is, I can't really see myself listening to people's dung for the rest of my life. Life goes through phases though.

8. Trying to get into Korean music but I'm not really feeling it. I hate mimics and a lot of what I've heard is bad Korean hiphop/soul/R&B/ballads. I'm hoping to discover something more original and true to modern KOREA, not an imitation of a segment of modern America IN Korea.

9. Thinking about ART and FAITH, its integration. Reading Kandinsky and L'Engle...

10. Saving money. As much as they preach to me about money, reality is, you need it to pursue your dreams that have nothing to do with money. So I chug along, work work work, for now.

Moving Again,

I had a dream last night that I flew back to California over night and showed up at my friends' house. Nobody knew I would do that. And then I was ready to take a picture of all of us together to post on here, to surpirse everyone of my move~ and I woke up.

What's gotten into me?

Well, nevermind the dream, I couldn't do such a spontaneous thing even if I wanted to because there is this US immigration law that I think really stinks. My plan for this summer was to visit the US to be in one of my best friend's wedding and despite all the financial risks that would come with such a trip, I was going to make it happen. But I recently found out that it is very unlikely for me to get a visitor's visa. Reason being, I don't have any points going for me to indicate that I would return to my homeland, Korea, when my visit is over. I guess too many Koreans have misused this "privilege" of going to America on a visitor's visa by overstaying their stay and hiding as "illegal aliens."

So these are the points I would need in order to show INS that I am legit for visiting. All of which, I do not have. I need to be married, committed to someone here so I will return. I need to have legal documentation that shows my history of employment, a minimum of three years, to show that I have a steady job in Korea, to which I would return. I need to be the daughter of an LG or Samsung CEO so that I am loaded with assets for which I would return. I need to buy a house to which I would return. I need to be enrolled in a school here in Korea, but that's unlikely at this point. I think you get the idea. I have nothing for me to show that I would return to this country. AND, if I get rejected once, I would be turned down over and over again for the next seven years. Hm.

That's a dissapointment in the arse but what can you do? Nothing at this point, I don't have the power to change these circumstances.

Despite the typical unstable mid-20's life that I seem to treading, I am beginning to absorb it. Accepting certain things in life is one thing I've struggled with these past couple years. But I'm applying some lessons now.

I'm moving again, to a place half the size of my apt now. This will save me lots of money but to MOVE again?

Last year, I was hoping to settle down in one place because I thought I needed stability, after years and years of moving from one place to another, one country to another, I was tired of shifting relationships. But for some reason, I was given such a life and for some reason it's still the type of life I can't seem to control. Not yet time for me to stay put in one geographical place. I ended up here. And now I move again, and of course, it's no big deal because I'm still at the same job, church, and near my family. So that makes it easier. But I think maybe this simple move is allowing me to go a step deeper in accepting my life as a nomad. At least for this stage of life. Someday I may have my own house, my own family, and a solid thriving career, but not yet. And I accept. That's pretty freeing to say.

I haven't packed or anything yet and I move in 4 days. Good thing is, I don't have to do organized packing and/or storing like I would if I were moving to another land. There's no need to feel overwhelmed and ball when I can't zip up a suitcase. This time I can just dump everything in open boxes and transport them in my dad's car and have my dad help me move. At least I have some of my family near.

Will post pictures of my place before I pack as well as my new home...later.

It's already February

Okay, it's been a really long while. I guess I don't have too much to say these days. I don't really feel like explaining some of the happenings of the past couple months because it's mostly internal swishing that I'd rather keep to myself. One of these days I'll be ready to say it like it is but for now, I like to store things safely.

But here are some measurable occurances in the past several weeks, ones I want to share with you:
1. thinking, planning, and acting out the path of an artist.
2. trying to knead some of my numbness so i can rise.
3. painting, painting, painting
4. teaching, loving, and yes, hiding. paradoxes, "you gotta love em"
5. one day, I'll keep you posted on the best decision of my life...once some fruit comes of it, for now, I'm learning to appreciate mystery. I hope you can too.

Yeah, this was a wierd one. Don't worry, I'll write more blogs that are down to earth.